We all suffer at times. Regrettably, there are those who use the authenticity of their suffering as an excuse to not heal. Caroline Myss coined the term “woundology” to describe how some people define themselves by their physical, emotional, or social wounds.

In Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can, Myss writes that many people hoping to heal “are striving to confront their wounds, valiantly working to bring meaning to terrible past experiences and traumas, and exercising compassionate understanding of others who share their wounds. But they are not healing. They have redefined their lives around their wounds and the process of accepting them. They are not working to get beyond their wounds. In fact, they are stuck in their wounds.”

Indeed, the last thing that many who are wounded, grieving, or ill are seeking is the full recovery of their health. Pain is their primary “relationship currency” and, consciously or not, they fear making their way in the world without it.

Pain has its privileges. Those who adopt a victim mentality may use their wounds to manipulate and control situations and people; after all, suffering can be a convenient excuse for dodging responsibilities. Others discover that, after a lifetime of attending to others, they relish being attended to.

Pain is also the ticket that gains the wounded entrance into well-meaning support groups where members receive, perhaps for the first time, validation, understanding, and acceptance.

Tilgangur með stuðningshópi er að leiðbeina meðlimum til bata, svo þeir geti komist áfram með líf sitt, og margir gera nákvæmlega það, og halda áfram og verða öðrum jákvæðar fyrirmyndir sem gefa öðrum von sem enn eru í baráttu. – Aðrir meðlimir velja sig frá batanum, – því að ef þeir ná bata gæti það þýtt að þeir þyrftu að yfirgefa eina samfélagið sem nokkurn tíma gaf þeim stuðning. –

Markmiðið með allri heilun – er að verða sjálfbær heilari. – Þú færð leiðsögn, en það verður á einhverjum tímapunkti að vera hægt að sleppa af þér hendinni.  Það bera að varast að verða háður ytri heilurum. –

It takes courage to explore your suffering, to peel away layer after layer of beliefs, behaviors, and assumptions and rigorously hold yourself accountable to life.

Just as a silversmith holds a piece of silver in the middle of a fire to burn away its impurities, so must we lean into the fire of our pain . . . and burn. Only the searing flames of relentless self-honesty can cauterize our wounds, blunt the jagged edges of our agony, and prepare us for the journey back to wholeness.